Friday, 18 November 2011

ABOUT AMBITION

I am jealous of planned and ambitious people!

The sort who are always together, knows their stuff, are directed, officious and make things look easy.

Jealous because I am in all essence the opposite. I am a drifter, I fall into things rather than plan, I am a procrastinator and I blame that on being a balanced Libran - I see two sides to everything.

I fell into nursing, I fell into year 12, I fell into university, love and marriage. I am not sure that I have ever actively planned and controlled anything in my life. I have never been a planner.

I never planned to get married - I did.

I never planned my pregnancies and they came to me when they should have.

I never planned my career - but I am always landed with opportunities.

In the past year I have been inundated with jobs and job offers. All great, all I am passionate about.

I took one, it was a three month stint. I took it because I felt I had the skills to take it on and make effects within that three month period.

Now 7 months later I am suddenly the level 3 RN in our team.

This is not the first time I have been a level 3 RN, but it has been a long time. Since then  I have had children and my priorities in life have changed. I no longer live, eat and breathe work......

I do the work I do because I love it and I am passionate about it, not for any other reason. Prior to being the level 3 I thought I had the best job in the world. It was a combination of all three of my passions - teaching, community and critical or advanced care. My level 3 is amazing in every sense of the word, she has it all, brains beauty and just one of the nicest people I have ever met.

I have big shoes to fill, but only for 7 months. I wouldn't have taken this in a permanent sense. I feel fraudulent for even having the role - how did I end up here? Yes I went through all the normal routes and interviews. Why didn't I stop and say thanks but no thanks? Why is NO such a hard word for me to say?

I love my level 3 and for some strange reason she has faith in me. She also knows I will keep the program true in its path and I have no agendas and she thinks I won't stuff it up in her absence. I really hope I don't.

You would think I have never been here before, but I have. Last year instead of getting the casual lecturing role I sought, I ended up being the lead lecturer and location coordinator. Prior to that I had acting team leader and quality coordinator roles; Clinical Nurse roles at level 2 and level 3 Clinical Nurse Educator roles.

First group of international students as a Course Coordinator
Now the University has several groups running concurrently.

None of them I asked for, all of them I was asked to do and I did and apparently well.

I know I am a good nurse. I know I am great with the clients I have.

I don't think I am a good leader. I don't do authoritarian and I am a hopeless delegator, I always teeter on trying to be a friend to those I am supposed to lead and in doing so I fail to delegate.

Now it is time for me to "man up", take the lead, take charge. But what if I don't know what I am doing? Say the wrong thing or look stupid?

Once that really would have bothered me and from a personal level. Now I don't actually care what people think of me, but worry that what I do will reflect badly for the rest on my team.

So maybe fate controls me, but it is time for me to take control. I am grateful to receive the challenge, I think...........

This is my unplanned journey and I need to know the destination.

Stay tuned for this one as I fumble and stumble and make the odd bumble.

XXX Fiona


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