Well it is Christmas the most wonderful time of the year! Who sang that ridiculous song? I bet it was Frank Sinatra!
I find Christmas hard. I am not sure why, so I began to reflect. Last year I was still separated from my husband, but we spent it together as a family at my mums. That in itself is a colossal effort. She spoke to my daughter like a piece of dirt and very much reminded me of why I had a hard time growing up. No one speaks to my child like that.
I am still reeling from the affair, even though it is long since over, I wonder, I doubt, I wish hindsight would just get out of my sight!
My sister in law, or should I say ex, it would be her birthday this Saturday and I would reach out, but can't as I don't know where she is at with the family, me or anything in life. I told her some honest thoughts earlier in the year about how she MAY be perceived through the things she was writing to the family and wanted to protect her from the crap that they all put me through. To protect her was not my role, I see that now and hope I didn't make it worse! Last I knew she told someone that we weren't talking. I took her off my FB page to protect myself from knowing anything and having to lie to anyone. I am hopeless at lying as you would know from my post on Being Authentic. http://gratitude-train.blogspot.com/2011/10/being-authentic.html
I took her off as I myself was also not in a good place and just needed my energy for myself and my struggle with PND.
So I wonder about her and how she is finding the "single life". Is it easier for her as she has family who will help, or is it harder or the same?
In the type of work I do I see so much misery at this time. It is hard to switch off from that when you have an overdeveloped sense of empathy. I wish that I could erase the misery from so many even for just a day, but then that is really about how I feel and would probably be worse for them long term.
I am grateful for so much too and that is where I realised I should focus my reflection. I am grateful to have my family back together and the opportunity to work on that.
I am grateful for two beautiful and individual children.
I am grateful for some truly awesome friends that I have had since high school.
I am grateful to be part of an awesome work team and have brilliant mentors around me.
I am grateful to be healthy.
I am grateful to be me and living the life I do.
My journey is taking me where I need to go.