Thursday, 27 October 2011

Give your partner something they need

Say what? Why would I do that you may ask?

How energy consuming is it when you fight with your partner. Did you get the last word in? That fabulous little jibe, laced with a gorgeous dose of sarcasm and a touch of acid at the end. Did your partner call you something you don't like or comment about your wide load?

Do either of you feel better for it?

So you are peeved beyond a doubt at each other, get it out by saying something stating just that. The facts about how you feel and what it is doing to you. Own your own feelings, use I statements, do not project to the other person that this is how they make you feel. No one has the power to make you feel anything.

You control your own mind and thoughts and even when it seems totally out of control, you still own that mind and what you are doing with it. Remember back to the post Crazy little thing called anger?  (
We talked about anger being a state of mind and that all you need to do is observe it and move on. Anger is a primitive emotion and it is meant to serve a purpose. That purpose was not to harm another with harsh words, anger was originally part of our "flight or fight" response. Now all we seem to want to do these days is fight, fight, fight.

Observe the anger about your partner being a *&^$%#%$^&(*&^&^%$%^ or whatever you want to call each other or think. Then move on, tell yourself that in 5 minutes this will be of no relevance, in 5 hours it is so in the past it is hardly worth thinking on and in 5 days there will be bigger fish to fry!

Remember no one has the power to make you feel any particular way.
Own your anger and actions.
Replace any thoughts of it is them or how they make you feel with "I feel this way because you did not listen" or whatever it may be.

The anger is yours, brought on by you, not your partner.
Really let it go, walk over say nicely "At the moment I am struggling with how I feel. I need some space. I love you".
The first few times through gritted teeth it may seem disingenuous, it gets easier, even in the really big blow ups.

You may say this is rubbish, as if it could work.
 I was the Queen of hostile anger, many people still fear me from my blow ups when I was younger.
The heat of my anger burnt many people including me.

Now pfft, I let it go, most of the time. It is a lesson well worth learning, one worth practicing and life is too short to spend any of it angry at the person you love.

Here's looking at you Rich, I love you!

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